MEMORANDUM:

It has been brought to the attention of this office than many civilians in the office are dying and refusing to fall after they are dead. This must STOP!

On and after 1 September 1944, any civilian caught sitting up after he is dead, will be off of the Payroll immediately (i.e.: within 90 days), in those cases where it is clearly shown that the employee is being supported by a typewriter or other property clearly marked “U. S. Government”, additional time (90 days again) to clear the property during which civilians shall be carried from the rolls, may be granted. The following procedure will be as stated below:

If after several hours it is noted that a worker has not moved or changed his position, the supervisor will investigate in an apologetic manner, of course, considering the highly sensitive nature of civilians and close resemblance between death and their natural working habits. It is specifically directed that investigation procedures be done quietly, so as not to disturb the civilian if he is asleep. If any doubt exists, as to the civilian’s condition, it has been found that extending a government check serves as an acid test. If the civilian does not immediately reach, it may be generally concluded that he is dead. In time, you will be able to know the difference between death at work and quiet repose. Be on your guard that in a few instances that instinct to grab is a reflex, a spasmodic clutch.

If the civilian is dead, fill out Special Form No WDGRT 67593343, making 15 copies. Mail the first three copies to the office, together with the tops of three first aid kits. Copies 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12 will be forwarded to the Messenger Boy of the office concerned. If the man serving in the capacity of Messenger Boy of the office is an Army Officer, (as is usually the case) be sure his serial number is clearly indicated. Just send copies 13, 14, and 15 somewhere. This is a must. In all cases, a sworn statement by the dead man covering his history for the past ten years must be included. If the dead man cannot write, his signature must be witnessed by two live persons (they are hard to find except on pay day) giving full names and addresses.

TO ALL OFFICERS, DEPARTMENT HEADS, AND CIVILIAN SUPERVISORS::
::::::::::PUSH THE BOY ASIDE AND MAKE ROOM FOR THE NEXT CIVILIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Signed,

Rigor Mortis
Captain, USA